


Waterloo

by oof_ouch



Series: I Want To Love You Madly [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Getting Together, I literally have no idea how to tag this, Iwaizumi POV, Light Angst, M/M, Mostly Iwa being an idiot for 6k and Oikawa getting caught in the backlash, This is the companion for Chapter 6 of Love You Madly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-07
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 03:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29253774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oof_ouch/pseuds/oof_ouch
Summary: [NOTE: THIS FIC IS MEANT TO BE READ ALONGSIDE CHAPTER 6 OF LOVE YOU MADLY. IT CONTAINS LOTS OF SPOILERS AND MAY NOT MAKE SENSE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THROUGH CHAPTER 5. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND READING LYM FIRST.]He was so close to letting himself give in. Hajime could tell that Oikawa was always on the verge of saying something, anything, about the tension pulling them closer. He was glad that Oikawa didn’t, though, because when it happened he would have to be faced with the truth.Hajime isn't really looking for a relationship, especially with somebody like Oikawa Tooru, a guy with his name constantly in the headlines and a life that Hajime can't imagine himself fitting into. It's a damn shame that it's too hard to stay away.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: I Want To Love You Madly [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1975216
Kudos: 10





	Waterloo

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to hold you back, but you were stronger  
> Oh yeah  
> And now it seems my only chance is giving up the fight  
> And how could I ever refuse  
> I feel like I win when I lose  
> Waterloo  
> I was defeated, you won the war  
> Waterloo  
> Promise to love you for ever more
> 
> -
> 
> Hello everybody!! It's so nice seeing you here!! After the ending of Chapter 5, I figured that y'all would want to see what was going through Hajime's silly little head, so this is that. It doesn't matter whether you read Waterloo or Chapter 6 first, but I hope you read both of them, even if I like this one a little better. There are a couple of OCs in here that will show up in a later chapter of LYM, so hopefully you like them! If you want me to tell you a bit more about them feel free to ask!
> 
> Shoutout to [Anya](https://www.instagram.com/anyanary/?hl=en) for beta-ing and I will see you at the bottom!
> 
> ~~flapdoodle
> 
> [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/track/0RzhMHIsFMbOGh0oWDvNNK?si=F7HTnZYlRy6FwcC5IRq5KA)   
>  [Youtube](https://youtu.be/Sj_9CiNkkn4)

Hajime had first heard of Oikawa Tooru five years ago.

Matsukawa Issei, the friend he had recently made at his new job, had approached him one day, raving about this new singer that had debuted with an incredible new album. Hajime had listened to some of the songs, thought that it was pretty good, and moved on with his life.

Over the next five years, Hajime didn’t pay much attention to the singer. Sure, he listened to Oikawa’s music whenever it played on the radio and whenever Matsukawa kept badgering him about this one song that had amazing production quality and killer vocals that he had to listen to. Occasionally, he saw Oikawa’s name come up in the pop culture sections of the news and skimmed the article with detached interest.

That’s how he always thought it would be. Detached. Another distant star whose actions had no bearing on his own life, whose comings and goings were a sensationalist headline meant to capture the eye of the public.

Never would he have thought that Oikawa would ever have any tangible meaning, would play more of a role in Hajime’s life than the source of an occasional moment of fascination.

One broken leg later, Hajime was sorely proven wrong.

So yeah, it might have been a bit of a lie when he said that he had never heard any of Oikawa’s music as he was driven to the ER, but he actually had seen his name trending on Twitter.

The overall surreality of the situation and the thought that Oikawa was admittedly prettier than he was in all of the photos did a damn good job of helping him ignore the pain in his leg.

Then Oikawa had shown up at his door with food and another apology, and said that he wouldn’t make a habit of it. 

Another lie.

Hajime didn’t know how he’d done it, but Oikawa steadily carved himself a niche in Hajime’s life. Soon enough, the entire ecosystem was dependent on his existence to balance out all of Hajime’s highs and lows and encourage biodiversity. Taking him out of the environment would result in its ruin.

Maybe that’s why he asked if Oikawa was coming, too, when Hanamaki showed up at his apartment alongside Matsukawa one day.

“No, do you want him to?” Hanamaki replied, something teasing in his voice letting Hajime know that there was an underlying implication, though he didn’t know what it was. “Well, sorry to disappoint.”

“I just figured that if you were coming, he would too. It’s fine, though,” Hajime said, ushering them in. “You didn’t tell me you were bringing a plus one, though, Mattsun.”

Matsukawa ignored the subtle accusation and instead turned to stage whisper to Hanamaki. “See, he’s even picked up the nicknames. It’s adorable.”

“But you’re telling me he still doesn’t realize?”

“Yeah, he’s oblivious.”

Hajime sighed. “What are you two idiots talking about?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe your repressed feelings surrounding Oikawa,” Matsukawa hummed.

“What the fuck? I don’t have any repressed feelings about anybody.” As far as Hajime could tell, that was the truth. Admittedly, his eyes did immediately find Oikawa whenever he walked in a room, but who didn’t immediately notice the massive presence he had? It wasn’t something anybody could ignore. And sure, he was always in a good mood after they hung out, but spending time with his friends had always made him happy. Oikawa was no exception.

“It’s fine, you’ll probably realize eventually. And when you do, I’m calling it now, you’d make such a power couple. Mattsun, we gotta enjoy our time as the most dominant joint force while it lasts.”

“Hey, wait a second. Even if I did like Oikawa, which I don’t, I’d never date him. That kind of stress and pressure doesn’t seem fun.”

“I know Oikawa’s high maintenance, but you can handle him better than most. I don’t think-”

Hajime cut Hanamaki off. “No, it’s not about him, it’s everything surrounding him. The fans, the media, all that seems like it would be overwhelming. And he doesn’t seem like he’d stick around for that long before losing interest, y’know?”

“Iwaizumi, as your dearest friend, let me tell you something. I guess you’ve got a point with the other stuff, but you can’t let Mizuki ruin dating for you forever. Just ‘cause one relationship fails doesn’t mean another will. She was a bitch, and I’d trust Oikawa with you a lot more than I ever trusted her. You’d just have to trust him, too,” Matsukawa said.

“Well, it’s fine, since it’s never going to go in that direction anyway. If it did, I guess I’d have things to think about.”

Hanamaki shared a glance with Matsukawa before looking back at Hajime. “Well, I hope that when you think, you come to the right conclusion. I suppose we shouldn’t pressure you, though. You should just be happy with any outcome you arrive at. Anyways, I’m just here because Mattsun didn’t stop me from coming with him. What are we doing today?”

Hajime dismissed the discussion, figuring that it was never relevant in the first place. That is, until standing on Oikawa’s doorstep and being met with a distraught and disheveled version of the usually flirty and composed man made him realize that _oh._ He wanted to wrap Oikawa up and protect him from whatever was the matter, and kiss the tears away.

In a moment of mindfulness he was proud of, Hajime acknowledged the feelings and let them slip away. As he sat in Oikawa’s basement and played _Heartbreaker,_ he didn’t know if he was trying to warn himself or Oikawa. He just knew that from here on out, he needed to be so incredibly careful. If he let this new revelation fester and take over, he would only end up getting himself hurt.

Unfortunately, Oikawa made that very difficult. Something had shifted, and Hajime waited with trepidation for the moment this would all tip over the edge and culminate into something that would only leave mangled bodies and feelings on the rocks below.

Until that happened, though, he would enjoy the attention. He would enjoy the way Oikawa purred out “Iwaizumi-sensei,” teasing him with the proper respect he’d never given him. He would enjoy indulging in Godzilla and Mothra, patiently explaining the bits of lore that made certain moments in the movies. He would let himself learn Oikawa’s music, just so he could understand the man himself a little bit better and feel a little bit closer to him. He would get dragged out to watch a meteor shower that was nowhere near as captivating as the way the stars reflected in Oikawa’s eyes. He would take Oikawa to cheap and delicious lunches and walks in the park, because he had always enjoyed the simple things and thought Oikawa needed some of that sometimes, too.

He was so close to letting himself give in. Hajime could tell that Oikawa was always on the verge of saying something, anything, about the tension pulling them closer. He was glad that Oikawa didn’t, though, because when it happened he would have to be faced with the truth.

It made itself apparent again at the party.

Matsukawa had immediately abandoned him to try and find Hanamaki, leaving Hajime standing at the entrance, taking in everything that was going on around him.

Of course, he saw Oikawa first. He was sitting at the bar with two other men that Hajime barely acknowledged, too caught up in the easy grace and power that Oikawa had just sitting there.

Then the rest of the room settled in, and he realized just where he was and who was there.

It was very apparent that he did not belong.

He was a nobody, somebody who had tagged along, who had dared to mingle among these greats because he had the audacity to know one himself. He couldn’t even bring himself to approach Oikawa because then everybody else would start to wonder why he thought he had the right to stand at the side of the most dominant force in the room.

Oikawa seemed to be unaware of these intrinsic rules, though, as he cut through the room to get to Hajime. No matter how much Hajime thought that he really didn’t deserve it, Oikawa was still his friend, and Hajime clung to Oikawa’s comforting familiarity.

It seemed to be the trend throughout the night. Oikawa was his one connection to this unfamiliar world, and though he did his best to blend in, he still felt like an invasive species that was taking up too much space and using too many resources in an environment foreign to him. These natives to success and popularity shouldn’t be wasting their time on who he was and what he did.

He hadn’t anticipated Oikawa to pick up on his feelings, though, and sweep him away without a second glance towards his other friends.

It made him wonder if enduring all of this was worth it for Oikawa, who wasn’t able to hide how much he cared. Hajime ended up deciding that he would be the only one benefitting from that affection, and it wasn’t worth it for Oikawa to be away from his own friends to prioritize Hajime.

He wouldn’t deny that it was a relief to be back in the company of Matsukawa and Hanamaki, though. Hajime let himself relax and ignore the rest of the world.

Then, Oikawa went up to the stage.

Did he even know the effect he had on people? He had the air of a king approaching his throne as he sauntered over to the stage, all eyes widening in anticipation of what was to come. Hajime could hear the whispers of excitement spreading throughout the whole party, drawing people to this room and to Oikawa. He was just another moth drawn to that brilliant flame, ready and willing to throw himself into the fire.

Oikawa started singing.

Within moments, Hajime had come undone, been unraveled by the sheer force that was Oikawa Tooru. His breath was caught in his throat, his eyes unable to leave the man pouring his heart and soul into every note. He was absolutely transfixed. He was absolutely gone.

God, how could Oikawa know what he was doing? Did he know that he was burning Hajime alive?

The glance he swore was sent his way told Hajime _yes._

Oikawa Tooru was going to ruin him.

Oikawa reached out, reached towards Hajime, and it took everything he had to resist reaching back.

Hajime honestly couldn’t say how long they looked at each other, but when Oikawa looked away, the spell was broken.

What the fuck was that?

Hajime half-wished that Matsukawa and Hanamaki had stuck around, just so that he wouldn’t have to bear the force of Oikawa’s presence alone. The other, guiltier part of him wanted to get crushed by the weight and suffocate in the nearness.

The performance, and what it meant, hovered over them, looming in the back of his mind and heart.

The rest of the party passed in a blur.

“Hey, Makki? Is there somewhere I can get some fresh air and be alone?” Hajime asked. A majority of the partygoers had left, but there were still enough on the patio to make him wary.

“Yeah. Go up that staircase over there, turn right, go up the next staircase you find, and turn left. The door at the end of the hall will take you to the rooftop deck. You’re fine, though, right?”

“I’m fine, I just need a break. Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Stepping into the cool morning air, he took a deep breath. He was glad he didn’t have to teach today. While he hadn’t done anything particularly wild, it had been ages since he’d stayed up this long, and his body was punishing him for it.

Hajime watched as the first rays of sunlight started to bleed into the sky, staining the world in red, orange, and yellow.

This was nice. He needed this respite. The party had been a lot, and he was glad it was almost over.

He heard the door open behind him, and the battle he was hiding from stepped outside.

Oikawa settled on the railing beside him. “Hello there. Did you enjoy the party?”

It hadn’t been all bad. When he worried less about the reputations behind the people he was talking to, he found them quite pleasant. “I think so. There were definitely some good bits.”

“Like?”

But they didn’t hold a candle to Oikawa, and the way he dominated the room and Hajime’s life effortlessly. His face glowed in the light, making him look like some divine creature of heaven. “I liked watching you perform. I’ve never actually seen you sing. It was… incredible.”

They both knew that him acknowledging the performance was him conceding that fight, but the rest of the war was still raging within Hajime. “Oh, thank you. Whenever I perform for an audience it feels like I transcend somehow. Everybody else follows me down.”

“Yeah, I felt that.” God, he could feel it coming. He could almost see the words forming on Oikawa’s tongue, and he needed to hold them off for just another moment. “Can I hug you?”

“Of course?”

Hajime pulled himself to Oikawa and relished in the embrace, letting himself pretend that he could say yes. If he did, is this what it would feel like? Comforting and warm and gentle? Would it smell like martinis and cologne and look like one of the most beautiful sunrises Hajime had even seen?

“Are you doing OK?” Oikawa asked, his chin pressing into Hajime’s head as he spoke.

“Yeah. I just needed this for a moment.”

He drew back. It was not the time to reconsider what he had decided. He had had his fleeting taste of being held in Oikawa’s arms, of being Oikawa’s. Now it was time to cut the act and acknowledge reality.

“Can I tell you something?”

Even though he had so clearly seen it coming, Hajime still felt all of the panic and fear he had struggled to suppress welling up within him. He needed to stay calm. “Go ahead.”

“You mean a lot to me. More than I ever thought you would. More than you probably should. It’s overwhelming, sometimes, the extent of it. You deserve the world, and I want to give it to you.”

Shit. Shit fucking fuck. “Oikawa.” His plea for this to stop, for them to go back and continue on the way they had been, went unheard.

“Iwaizumi, I need you to know that I need you, and I need to know that you need me too.”

Holy fucking shit. “Oikawa, are you asking me out?” Hajime whispered. He had to hear it, plain and simple. He had imagined this moment so many times, and now that it was here he was losing his grip. Every line he had thought of to turn Oikawa down suddenly didn’t sound right.

Hajime met Oikawa’s eyes and watched him crack. “Yes, I am.”

And there it was.

The panic took over, driving his heart and mouth before he had the time to truly process what he was saying. “I- fuck, Oikawa, I can’t. I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

With that, Hajime saw Oikawa shatter. Not able to bear being the cause of it, Hajime fled.

What else could he do?

He found Matsukawa as soon as he got downstairs. “We gotta go,” he said hoarsely.

Matsukawa gave him a concerned look, but obliged without debate. He said goodbye to Hanamaki and took Hajime to the car.

“Hey, Iwaizumi, you gonna tell me what’s up?”

“Oikawa just asked me out.” There was nothing else that needed explaining, was there? Matsukawa could piece it together.

“Oh. Uh, my condolences?”

Hajime laughed, bitter and sardonic. “Thanks.”

Once he got home, he washed off the night and went to bed.

For the next few days, life progressed as normal. He taught, and graded papers, and wrangled students. He didn’t let himself feel bad because he had made his choice, and he had followed through on it. This was probably the best outcome. Probably.

He was forced to recognize the consequences of his decisions when somebody started knocking incessantly on his door. Hajime hadn’t been expecting anybody, so he looked through the peephole and was met with Hanamaki radiating determination and Matsukawa standing behind him supportively.

Fighting down the wave of dread, he opened the door.

One moment, he was staring back at Hanamaki, and the next, he was cupping his cheek and swearing under his breath while Hanamaki’s arm was still extended.

“I’m sorry I slapped you, but that’s for Oikawa,” Hanamaki said, voice only half apologetic.

“Yeah, yeah, I probably deserved that,” Hajime grimaced, retreating to the kitchen to get some ice. “I can guess why you’re here.”

Hanamaki followed him in, a quiet rage rolling off of him in waves. “Because you broke my best friend’s heart and are clearly not feeling bad in the slightest, whereas the only reason anybody knows Oikawa’s still alive is because I used my secret spare key to get into his house?”

Back in college, Hajime had seen another person shatter. It had been for completely different reasons and under completely different circumstances, but Hajime had still watched as she spiraled into the darkest period of her life. He should have recognized the same look in both of their eyes and realized the true effect he had had on Oikawa. God, he should have handled the situation so much better.

“Wait, fuck, is he OK?” Hajime refrained from offering to help only because he feared that he might make everything worse.

“He’s doing better because I forced him to take care of himself, but obviously it’s not a complete fix. He’s still in rough shape.” Hanamaki sighed, looking for something in Hajime’s face that he clearly wasn’t finding. “Iwaizumi, I just wanna know, did you think at all? Is this really what you wanted? Are you happy?”

Hajime wasn’t sure of what to say. “I did think. This is the conclusion I came to. I did realize that I do feel something about him, but no matter how much I do like him, I still don’t think he’s worth everything else that’s bound to come with him.”

“Bold words for someone within slapping distance,” Hanamaki muttered.

“Makki, we agreed that you would only slap him once,” Matsukawa soothed. “But I gotta agree, you fucked up, man. You’ve just ruined both of your lives.”

“You really did,” Hanamaki agreed. “Promise me this, at least. You need to talk to him, at least once. Don’t leave him like that. He doesn’t deserve that.”

Hajime nodded, and Hanamaki turned around and left.

As the door shut, Matsukawa turned back to look at Hajime. “You know, I was worried if I could trust Oikawa with you, but I guess I really should have been worried if I could trust you with Oikawa. You made your choice, though, and I respect that. I’m calling it now that you’ll regret it.”

Matsukawa followed Hanamaki out, and Hajime was left wondering if he already did.

\----------

Hanamaki had definitely left a bruise, but that was the least of his worries. More pressing was the fact that Oikawa was about to show up.

Hanamaki had been right in saying that they should talk, but that didn’t mean that Hajime knew what he wanted to say. As he stood on the step above the genkan, he ran over a couple of points he would probably forget the moment Oikawa arrived.

Then the door was opening, and Oikawa was there, and Hajime was struck by just how beautiful Oikawa was, and how despite that he still looked like shit.

“Hello, Iwaizumi-sensei.”

Hajime’s name grated on his ears. The only other time Oikawa had ever used his full name and honorific like that had been light and teasing. Now it was just terse and dull.

“Oikawa,” he forced out in greeting. At this point, he would give just about anything to go back to being Iwa-chan. Unfortunately, the price for that was going back and giving in, and he was still too stubborn and scared to do that.

After a moment of hesitation, he started talking. “I really am sorry. I shouldn’t have just walked off, but I was panicking and I didn’t know what else to do. I still can’t accept, though.”

That was the truth, but who knew how Oikawa was taking it? He was completely unreadable, and Hajime had been taught how to read people.

“Why can’t you just say that you don’t reciprocate my feelings? It would be so much easier on both of us.”

Hajime wanted to tell him that he did, he really, truly did reciprocate, but that would give away too much. Oikawa would ask him to justify himself, and inevitably proceed to tear apart all of Hajime’s logic. He couldn’t ignore those other truths just because Oikawa made him forget them. “I can’t say that, either.”

“Fine. You can’t say that you don’t like me, and you can’t say why you don’t want to date me. What can you say?”

What could he say? There was no room for lies, and there was no room for the other truths, so he would just have to settle for the inbetween. “I don’t want to lose you forever. I don’t want to stop being friends with you.”

Because that would be the worst possible outcome: a friendship that meant so damn much to him rendered irreparable and left to bleed out in the dust because he wasn’t strong enough to take it to its next natural evolution.

It seemed to be the wrong answer, though, as Oikawa’s face twisted into a sneer. “God, don’t you know that I want that, too? But right now it’s all or nothing. My feelings are still on the table, and probably will be for a long time. If you ever choose to accept them, I’ll be there. Just let me know if you change your mind. I’m going to leave it at that. Do you have anything else to say?”

Hajime wanted to say that that was unfair, that that was an overreaction, but he knew that it wasn’t. He had been given a second chance, an out, if he wanted to take it. It was perfectly understandable for Oikawa to not want to be friends, either, when the possibility of what could have been would be constantly staring back at him.

He shook his head.

“Fine. Then I guess I’ll be going.”

Hajime was left to watch as Oikawa disappeared back through the door. The reality that this might be the last time they talked, potentially ever, settled in, and Hajime suddenly wasn’t sure if he had acknowledged all of the disadvantages of turning Oikawa down.

\----------

The days continued to pass, and the ecosystem of Hajime’s life struggled to bounce back from the extinction of its apex predator and most plentiful producer.

He was already rumored to secretly be a member of the Yakuza by the kids at his school, and the bruise that stubbornly refused to fade did nothing for his reputation or his ability to forget the impacts of what he had done.

His life had fallen into the same rut of normal from before he had met Oikawa. He realized he hated it after the third time he checked his phone to see if Oikawa had asked him to hang out before remembering that Oikawa probably hated him now.

He felt like shit every time, and it only got worse with each passing instance.

Shit progressed into horror when he realized that his relationship with Oikawa had devolved back into occasionally seeing his name in the headlines. The only difference was that Hajime clung to every scrap of information letting him know that Oikawa was doing OK because he sure as hell couldn’t ask himself.

The only moments he didn’t feel completely awful thinking about Oikawa were when he was practicing the musician’s songs on the guitar. He let himself pretend that Oikawa was listening, let himself remember everything he had given up.

It helped to remember that this pain was nothing compared to what he was protecting himself from.

Soon enough, about a month passed, and he was almost feeling fine. Matsukawa had started talking to him normally again about a week ago, and occasionally he could convince himself that everything was as it should be.

He had just gotten home from work when his phone lit up with an incoming call.

“ _Hajime, tell me what’s wrong,_ ” the voice said, raspy with sleep.

“First of all, who said anything was wrong? Second, isn’t it almost 2 am in New York, Hysmine?”

“ _Hajime, this is the fourth time in two weeks that I’ve randomly woken up in the middle of the night. I have controlled all of the other possible variables that could be causing this, and that means that whatever you’re going through over there is messing me up over here. I don’t know why, it’s that weird psychic thing again. Doesn’t matter, just tell me what’s wrong._ ”

Hajime almost wanted to laugh. Where should he start?

He heard a faint voice in the distance on the other side of the line, and his friend switched to English to reply. “ _It’s fine, Tenrai, go back to bed. I’m helping Hajime work through his problems so I can finally sleep._ ” Tenrai said something else, before Hysmine’s voice was directed towards Hajime in Japanese again. “ _Tenrai’s gonna help, too, since she’s tired of waking up whenever I wake up. You’re on speakerphone now, so tell us what’s wrong._ ”

“Do you guys remember when I told you about Oikawa Tooru?”

“ _How could I forget somebody with such great choreography videos? You’ve brought him up almost every time we’ve talked since you met him, too. What about him?_ ” Hysmine asked.

Hajime started talking. He talked about the way Oikawa had barged into his life, about all of the times hanging out almost felt like a date, about the songs he had played on the guitar, about the way that Oikawa had made him feel. About the party. About turning him down. About the way that Oikawa had looked like Hysmine had. About the way his life had gone to shit afterwards.

Eventually, he realized that he had migrated to the couch after talking for almost an hour. The only times he had stopped were when Hysmine had to translate something that Tenrai hadn’t been able to pick up.

“ _So, you love him, but you don’t want to date him?_ ” Tenrai asked slowly.

“I’m not sure I’d go that far, but basically.”

“ _Why?_ ”

Hajime listed off his standard reasons, but they left his mouth feeling hollow. Hysmine and Tenrai could tear apart his logic as easily as Oikawa would.

“ _Hajime, why are you doing this to yourself?_ ” Hysmine sighed. “ _You have to let yourself be in love. You’re irrational if you think that you’re protecting anybody when you’re clearly making your life worse. Love is a lot easier than you think it is because you’ve never had the chance to be in love easily, and I pity you for that. I’m not saying that all of the problems will go away, you’re just not even giving yourself the chance to find any solutions. Why are you fighting so hard? You didn’t just break Oikawa’s heart, you broke your own, and you don’t even know it._ ”

“I- I don’t know. Because I do want to be with him-”

“ _So why aren’t you with him?_ ” Tenrai said. “ _You said that he will still welcome you, so go to him. I can go to sleep._ ”

“ _Yeah, since when do you worry this much? I taught you a lot, but you’re the one who taught me how to truly go with the flow as opposed to just reacting to each stimulus as it comes. You need to make yourself happy. Even if you do get hurt in the end, you’ll at least have the good times to balance them out. Here, you’re not even allowing yourself that. You think you’re out of the frying pan, but you’re really just in the fire,_ ” Hysmine added.

“So you’re saying that I should just call him up and tell him I want to date him? I don’t think I could just do that, the whole idea of it is still daunting.”

“ _Of course not. You tell him you want to talk. You tell him all of your concerns, and he tells you himself that you can work through them together. You’ve never let your fears get in your way before, and this time should be no different. You know how to make things work, and I think Oikawa does, too, so even though it might be terrifying he’ll be there to have your back. You’ll have his, too. You’ve just got to face him, since it’s impossible to escape from your own emotions. Even if all of that is still not enough for you to truly want it, at least you’ll have confronted the problem, which is a lot better than running from it. Let me just say from experience, though, the struggle is worth it. Understand?_ ”

“Yeah, I think so. I hate that you’re always right.”

Hysmine laughed softly, the distortion over the phone making it sound tinny. “ _I know, it’s uncanny. Are you feeling better now? Do you know that you’re being stupid and making things hard for absolutely no reason and also how to try and fix everything?_ ”

“Mostly, I’d say.”

“ _Good. I’m going to bed,_ ” Tenrai said.

“ _I think I’ll join them. Good luck, Hajime. Tell us how it goes._ ”

“Of course. Thanks, Hysmine.”

“ _No problem. Talk to you at a more reasonable time._ ”

“Yeah. Talk to you later. Love you.”

“ _Love you too._ ”

Hajime hung up. Great, so now he had to talk to Oikawa. The thought brought as much relief as it did stress. With a sigh, he got up to make a cup of tea. He needed to make sure he was emotionally prepared for what was to come.

Two cups of tea and much too long spent over a text message later, Hajime finally sent his olive branch.

<17:48> _Hi. Are you free anytime soon?_

Hajime had barely had time to recover before Oikawa responded.

<17:51> _yeah? today or later or what?_

There was a good chance he might back out if he didn’t do this now.

<17:53> _Today might be best, but it can wait if you can’t make that._

<17:54> _i can leave for ur apartment rn if u want_

<17:54> _Ok. That sounds good._

After this long, Hajime knew exactly how long it took for Oikawa to get to his apartment. The time had always felt too long, but now it felt like it really did stretch on into forever, yet still much shorter than he would have liked.

He was accurate, though. Within a few minutes of his estimate, Oikawa knocked on his door, and Hajime was there to answer.

He looked as bad as Hajime probably did. His hair hung flat and his eyes were tired. Even more concerning, he looked like he hadn’t been eating enough.

Hajime opened the door. “So? Are you coming in?”

As they settled on the couch, Hajime struggled to start talking. He had spent so long fighting against this, he didn’t know how to surrender.

“So? Are you gonna tell me why you wanted me to come?”

It seemed that he caught up to the reality that Oikawa was here, right in front of him, after so long spent not talking, at that very moment.

It was embarrassing how relieving this was.

He buried his head in his hands and muttered a simple “I missed you.”

“Iwaizumi-sensei, you need to speak up if you want me to understand what you’re saying.”

He had forgotten how much he hated the sound of his actual name in Oikawa’s mouth. It pained him almost as much as how defensive Oikawa was, clearly not looking to get his heart broken again.

Well, Hajime could promise that he would do his best to not let that happen.

“I missed you, alright?” The longer he sat here, the more true he realized it was.

Oikawa laughed, mocking him for his mistakes. “Well, you didn’t have to. But if all you wanted was my company, I have to say that I’m not ready to go back to just being friends.”

“I know. I just figured it was finally time to...give you an explanation? I guess?” He needed to lay out the truths, first. He needed to hear Oikawa say that they didn’t matter. He needed to know that he was too deep in his own head to see that it would be alright in the end.

Oikawa gestured for him to start, so Hajime did. “The idea of being with you is one of the few things that has ever terrified me, Oikawa. For multiple reasons.” Hajime paused to judge Oikawa’s reaction, and when he didn’t get one, he pressed on.

“First, I don’t belong in your world. I don’t think I ever will, but I don’t think I could date you without getting thrown head first into all of that. It’s kinda like what I said at the party. I’m just me, and I can’t fit in, but I couldn’t reasonably ask you to stop being friends with everybody and living your lifestyle just so that I wouldn’t get overwhelmed. I would also be in the public eye, and I don’t want that, either. I don’t want to be judged by the tabloids or have our dates get scrutinized.”

Did Oikawa even realize that this was Hajime giving up and giving in? That he was handing himself over? All Hajime could hope for was that Oikawa would be gentle.

“I don’t want my kids to potentially be exposed to any of that, too. It’s just…no matter how much I do want to go out with Oikawa Tooru, who loves space and milkbread and mains King Dedede in Smash, I can’t have that without the Oikawa Tooru who can’t go on trains and is constantly being watched by the world. Believe me when I say I want to, so so much. Not being around you recently has been shit. It’s just hard for me to say that it’s worth the stress of everything else. And… God, I hate myself for saying this, too, but I’m just scared that _that_ Oikawa Tooru’ll lose interest and it wouldn’t have been worth it in the first place. It’s happened before and I don’t want it to happen again.”

And there it was, all on the table, bared for the world to see. For Oikawa to see. Despite Hysmine’s words, his instincts were still telling him that Oikawa was a bad idea.

But Oikawa was there at the gates of Hajime’s reasoning, and he was preparing to storm the castle.

“Iwaizumi Hajime, what the fuck.”

Yeah, that sounded about right.

“Do you have so little faith in me that you won’t even take a chance on this? I would give up all of my fame and fortune for you and make my living by playing for tips in the street if that’s what it took. I could keep you sequestered away from the public if that’s what you want. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make you comfortable. You just need to let me try. I will not fail you, and if I did, you could leave and I would make sure that nobody remembers your name or recognizes your face. I will make it worth it, I promise you that.”

God, he’d never seen this side of Oikawa. He let himself acknowledge that it was really fucking attractive and moved along.

“Like I said, you mean so much to me, and I’d go to the ends of the earth to make this work. I’m not afraid to meet you where you are. I won’t just throw you away. I don’t do that.”

He was so close to trusting Oikawa. The only thing stopping him was his own insecurity. “Shit, you mean a lot to me, too. I believed you when you said that you’d give me the world, but I don’t want that, and I don’t want you to try to do that and then realize that you’ve been wasting your time, and by then I’ve ended up wasting mine.”

“You are not a waste of time. I think you’re the most stunning and incredible person in every room you’re in. You could never be a waste of time, or I wouldn’t like you this much. I’ve wanted this for months, Iwa-chan. I just need you to tell me that you want it, too.”

No, no, Oikawa wasn’t allowed to just say things like that. It was never Hajime who drew eyes just by existing. “How can that be me when it’s always been you? You’re so fucking hard to resist. God, just- just give me a moment to think.”

He already knew what he wanted to say, who was he kidding. This had been inevitable since he had realized he felt like this. He just needed a moment to tell himself that it was OK if he lost this war. They would sort out the problems. They would make it worth it.

“Fine. Fine, fuck it. I’ll give it a shot.”

Oikawa was worth the risk.

Hajime didn’t remember how good it felt to have somebody look at him the same way Oikawa was. He didn’t know if anybody ever had in the first place. Oikawa took his hand as if he was afraid that he might run away again, but he didn’t know that Hajime had already promised to never run again.

“And you’re sure you want this? We both know that all of the problems won’t just disappear, so I don’t want you to force yourself into this. I don’t want you to regret it.”

“Yeah. I want to try. I think I’ve realized that I’ll regret it more if I don’t.” _I promise I won’t regret it._

“Good,” Oikawa said. His lips were soft against Hajime’s knuckles, the touch sending sparks shooting down Hajime’s arm and through his core. “I’m so glad I hit you with my car.”

Hajime laughed at the sheer ridiculousness of it all. “I’m glad you didn’t get charged with any crimes.” There were still things to be acknowledged, though. Hajime still needed to protect himself. “Can we just take this slow for now? Until I can really get used to it? I don’t want to see my name in the tabloids until I feel more comfortable with the idea of being known, I guess.”

“Of course,” Oikawa agreed without hesitation, accepting Hajime’s terms of surrender. “Not a word of this to the press, got it. I can tell my friends, though, right? After all the shit I put them through, they probably deserve to know.”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. I’m sorry about that, though. Makki told me it was… rough.” He didn’t want to imagine what Oikawa was like at his most broken. The thought made him sick, and the feeling was multiplied tenfold with the knowledge that he was the catalyst behind it in the first place.

“You do mean more to me than you should, and not having you anymore was like a shock to my system. It was hard to cope. I’m fine now, though, since I can call you my boyfriend. I can call you my boyfriend, right?”

 _Boyfriend._ The word made Hajime want to melt. Boyfriend was new, and exciting, and Oikawa. “I’d like to be boyfriends.”

That reminded him.

He didn’t have to pretend anymore. This was all real.

Hajime pulled Oikawa close to his chest, never intending on letting go. It was better than he had ever imagined it would be. _I promise I will love you from here on out._

The war was lost, but Hajime had won.

\----------

Later, once Oikawa had left, Hajime opened his texts to Hysmine. He grinned as he typed out the message.

<22:12> _Our first actual date is on Saturday. Thanks again_

<22:25> _Congratulations Hajime! Tenrai says the same. I’m glad you got your head out of your ass. Good luck with him._

<22:27> _Appreciated. I’ll tell you how it goes afterwards_

<22:27> _You’d better. I will say, always remember that you broke his heart first. Even if he does break yours later, then you’ll only be even. But that’ll never happen so you’ve got a lot of making up to do._

<22:28> _Not that I don’t want to believe you, but you seem very certain_

<22:29> _I’ve spent most of my life studying people’s brains, thoughts, and behaviors. That includes how they interact with other people. I know enough to tell that you’ll fight to make it last, and Oikawa will, too, based on what I know. Besides, I’m psychic or something ;p_

<22:29> _Or something_

<22:30> _You have to introduce him to us one day, though. I think I’d like him._

<22:30> _Yeah, Tenrai probably would, too. I don’t think I’d live through the encounter, though_

<22:31> _Probably not._

**Author's Note:**

> I honestly project on Hajime way too much. Also, I know I hurt your feelings with How Would You Feel, but the man's got a point, you gotta admit that.
> 
> If you haven't already, this is your reminder to go read Chapter 6!! It's based on another ABBA song!! I've listened to both of them on loop for so long, I've lost most of my braincells!! I don't regret it though!!
> 
> Say hi on Insta [@_oof_ouch_](https://www.instagram.com/_oof_ouch_/?hl=en)!! I post art and writing updates sometimes!!


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